So this is a challenging post to write. Mostly because it's probably not what everyone wants to hear. But it's going to be honest. I know there are some blogs that I enjoy a lot- those that are honest. And honestly, life isn't always a box of chocolates. So here we go...
You know what? I didn't want to be pregnant this year. You want to know how that appointment for the ultrasound actually went on Wednesday? Here it is.
I ran and swam that morning. I was so distracted and distraught about the upcoming ultrasound on my run home from the pool that I tripped. Over nothing but the asphalt. And I fell. Right on my shoulder. And I cut my chin on the road. I was an absolute mess.
Scott met me on the way to the clinic. As we drove there together I cried. I told him there was no good way for this to come out. I did not want to be pregnant. I did not want them to find a heartbeat. But what woman wants to go through a miscarriage? How could I possibly hope for a miscarriage? What kind of monster would I be? I cried some more.
I kept myself together for most of the appointment, though I was silent and stone-faced when the tech excitedly announced that she could see something. She must have thought that I didn't understand or something because she kept saying, Congratulations!! I couldn't reply to her. Instead I just pursed my lips together as the tears flowed down my face.
I know all this is probably unbelievable to some of you who try and try to get pregnant. I can't imagine how hard that must be. All I know is that for me, the girl who gets pregnant even when she is actively trying not to, fertility sucks.
Eventually I did want to have another baby. But I wanted another year alone with Moana first. I wanted more time so hopefully we could move out of this 2 bedroom condo and into a house with more room. I wanted another year to capitalize on my fitness and race again. Just one more year before I sacrificed myself again for the sake of expanding our family.
Instead, part of me feels like there's been a hostile take-over of my body. Call me selfish, but I really like having my body as my own. Sharing it with another growing human being is tough, and requires sacrifice. It's so tough that it really would have been nice, for once, to actually plan and prepare and try to get pregnant. Instead, I am required now to sacrifice myself while this Scrappy little baby grows and grows, and I grow along with it.
In the end, I know I will be happy. I will be happy to hold my little baby once he or she is born. I will be happy that Moana gets to be a big sister. 5 years from now, I will be glad that I had my two kids close together so hopefully they can be good friends. But for now, I appreciate the text I got from Jenny after my ultrasound. She told me to give myself permission to be pissed off. So while I will not wallow in a pity party for myself for the next 8 months, I am taking some time to let myself feel how I feel.
Wow. Honestly? This post wasn't that challenging to write. I guess when you write from your heart it all just comes flowing out. Thanks for listening. And I hope I didn't offend anyone. I just had to get this out because if I didn't, and just pretended all along that I was thrilled to death to be pregnant again, I would feel like a fraud. Be assured, I will love this baby, though likely more after we are done sharing a body. ;)